BRANDED WITH NEW! 2010

Rule change: I just decided; crying is OK, unfiltered love is do-able, people are NEVER trustworthy...but trusting is necessary, singing loud in the car does not require a cell phone to disguise the act, moving fast is great but know when to pause and smell the flowers, sadness is preferable to fear, emotions are a choice.


New year, new decade, new job, newly single, new money, new confusion, new ideas, new goals, new shoes, new perspective, same old insecurities. 2010 will be different and radically so. I look forward to some changes and ache thinking of others. How will it feel to move on and not look back? we'll see...just gotta focus forward and exist in the present. The movie "UP", and the concept of life being furiously short motivate me to take every opportunity to be joyful and take others burdens on myself.

The last month has broken my spirit and crushed my controlling nature (a GOOD thing:) and January will be a time of patience and work, hopefully February will give me some time to help others and work on relationships. I have no flipping clue what is going to happen or when or how in 2010. I have hope for big things and scary but awesome opportunities.

Caution to the wind, insecurity in the past (hopefully) and joyfulness in everything. Bring it 2010! Whatevs "it" is.

To Do list:

-Take Risks
-Love People (more than myself...until it hurts)
-Trust God

Dress Up

"Clothes make the man, naked people have little of no influence on society." - Mark Twain

"Know first who you are, then adorn yourself accordingly" -Epictetus

"always dressing in understated good taste is the same as playing dead" -Susan Catherine

How I love to dress up!
Yesterday I was reminded how much fun I have pretending to be from another era, social class, place, or time of life. Different clothes as weird as it sounds, take my problems out of focus, and allow me to try on a new personage if only for an hour. I have heard that actors can feel that way when they escape into a role, so maybe this is the same thing? (if not, i'm just weird and that is ok too :o)

I mean it is honestly pretty ridiculous how much I still thrill in playing with clothes at age 23... Maybe it is a regression, or form of escapism, but there is nothing quite so satisfying as coming home to open the right hand side of my closet to reveal a secret stash of completely unnecessary vintage clothing items. I have accumulated pieces over the years simply because they make me feel good or they make me smile. I would never wear any of these items in public, but that makes them strangely more comforting in privacy.

After a discouragement, uncertainty, or letdown, I may put on a short fluffy tulle skirt with a white beater tank and leather jacket, or a silk tunic, a belt and tights, or silk shorts, a cashmere sweater, and ballet slippers...pearls and vintage pjs, unwearably high heels, ribbons and bows, etc etc. etc. Crazy, emotionally unstable, and a little immature? Sure. I'll claim that. But in my opinion it's cheaper and equally as effective as therapy. Also, my hobby of scouring vintage stores everywhere I travel makes it more fun. When I was a kiddie, I asked for dress up clothes and wands for just about every holiday that necessitated gifts. Maybe someday i'll grow up. Maybe i'll go to the next rose bowl flea market and buy some silk scarves I can make into a dress.

Life, Love, and other mysteries...

LOVE NEVER FAILS. But where there are prophesies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 1 Corinthians 13:8-10

In my life so far, I have experienced good and bad luck, happy and sad times, jealousy and contentment, and so an and so on. However the above verse in particular catches my eye in its challenge. I see this as a call to action: refocus on what is eternal rather than tripping constantly over temporal issues. Further encouragement to live a life focused on love can be found throughout Philippians, but I will cite my great-grandfather's favorite verse since I am biased to it ;) :

Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Philippians 4:8

Knowing from personal experience that joy originates from a confidence in eternal love, I am challenged to focus on this even when I am distracted by negativity. Recent situations with people have put this concept to the test and I have, for the first time in my life, been able to turn over control of my emotions to the Holy Spirit. This sounds vague I am sure, but for example: when betrayed and slandered in a group of friends, I would have felt attacked and defended myself naturally, however, in this new attitude I recognize that I do not deserve respect, nor do these people attack the Lord in their misrepresentation of me, so I am not really angry. As a servant of the Lord, I seek to serve his people (both followers and non-believers) in this world. If I act just like the world and respond in self-defense and anger over small matters, I show fear of men. On the other hand, seeing my one and only goal as salvation of everyone through the knowledge of my savior, I want to show only love, or what is eternal even in situations in which the world begs me to conform. (see Philippians 2:3-4)

This is so much easier said than done, and of course the simplicity of love is muddled by the issues of enabling vs. doing what is truly best for someone. BUT, I firmly believe that if I make every effort to keep the peace as far as it depends on me (Romans 12:18)God will take care of the details. I am in the process of learning to let the Holy Spirit love people through me and despite me. In the past, I was very fearful of people, their opinions, their power, their capability to hurt me etc...I now realize how freeing it is to know that people will fail (just like I do) and I can let them! I trust that God will use them anyway, and that their sins against me have already been paid for just as mine have. Unfortunately, this does not take the sting out of being backstabbed, misunderstood, or hated, but it gives confidence and comfort in the knowledge of a greater surpassing love. Eternal life and eternal love are inseparable, and living with a focus on love in this world is what makes it more bearable.

I am still working it all out in practice...but at least this is the goal:

(1 Corinthians 13:4-7) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

As always I am a work in progress (Philippians 3:12) pressing on toward the goal. Forgetting about what is behind and straining toward what is ahead...If I focus on the ridiculous amount of grace I have received in Christ, all struggle is gain, and love is simply a byproduct. I will tire and falter most definitely in the future, but I am so grateful to know love and its transforming power.

Before I begin...

Why am I calling this a testament?

Definitionally, a testament is a document in which something is testified to, while a testimonial is a written or spoken expression of regard for a person's service or accomplishments…I don’t claim to have accomplished anything personally, rather, I have been given fulfillment by the knowledge of my creator by replacing my will with his. Romans 12:2 -Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. I want my testament to point straight to the truth at its most basic point, by explaining how it has changed my life. Nothing I have done or could do would result in the outcome I have experienced, and therefore I have concluded that there is a God.

What am I about?

For me, the last year has been characterized by: the dissolution of all my plans and securities, a freeing reliance on the sacrifice of God by which I am forgiven, and an overwhelming sense of urgency to love others who are without the peace I live in. (see John 14:27) My demeanor, outlook, sense of value, and ability to love have all done a 180 in the past 12 months.

I believe: Christians can pursue a relationship with God because Christ died as a blameless offering to atone for all sin, THEN ROSE AGAIN to victory over the grave and leave us with the Holy Spirit, as a counselor and helper. This Spirit can, I believe, intercede for me and make me acceptable to almighty God, not by my actions, but through my repentance and acceptance of Christ's sacrifice.